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10 things an OTNBM (Очень Тру NORWEGIANBLACKMETAL) must avoid at the winter holidays

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    граф О'Манов

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10 things an OTNBM (Очень Тру NORWEGIANBLACKMETAL) must avoid at the winter holidays

1. Reading Erich Kästner. Yes, man, The Flying Classroom. It happens often that, when the OTNBM was
11 years old, he read that book and got impetus to initiate a massive snowball (and non-snowball)
fight agains the senior students at the high-school, defeat them in a blitzkrieg manner and await to
the posterior miracles that Santa spirit will provide him with. What happened was that he suffered a
painful defeat and HATES Erich Kästner. So, please, if you are an OTNBM and a tiny voice in your head urgest you to get reminiscences of your idyllic childhood by rereading 'The Flying Classroom', say no.

(This doesn't mean you ought to avoid reading at all, as you do. As you will understand when you become 64 and wiser, 'Mein Kampf' can be a pleasure)

2. Presents Swapping At The Office - generally, the OTNBWM does not work. However, if by some circumstances he DOES work, and he does work at Christmas, then they should remember that they hate EVERYONE - not just Erich Kästner.

3. Love Actually. Try typing 'Keira Knightley naked' in Google instead. Yes, I know you cannot write 'Knightley' but Google will help you. If you still do not succeed, then you can a call centre. You can also try with 'Brad Pitt naked' if you feel like it. The last one is easier to type.

4. Family Gathering. Being a OTNBM, you must bear in mind that you do not have a family. I mean, you might have some relations to a allegedly distant aunt (a wealthy one if possible), the local drug-dealer or some whores but you prefer to be alone especially at Christmas

5. The Sims - being a virtual substitute for a Family, this game can drive a OTNBM crazy. It can make him want to become a NORMAL guy, which can result in psychic disorder.

6. Any kind of Xmas decoration. Do you think these green branches will fit a 'Pure Fucking Armageddon' poster?

7. Taking care of the plentiful of snow outside the block of flats. Man, there are loads of neighbours. The Earth has coped in several hundred thousandс of years without you.

8. The annual speech of the President/King/Emperor/Head of the Party - I am fully aware of the fact that Rule 8. exists makes it difficult to be an OTNBM in North Korea but do not bother - it is difficult to be there without being an OTNBM as well

9. Listening to Last Christmas, I'm Driving Home for Christmas or Radka The Pirate* It is, you know, not suitable to you. So do not turn on the radio - if you do it, rule number 9. will be broken in a few minutes.

10. Skype/Facebook - okay, it it at the end of the list, for it is sooooo difficult. For some reasons, a big percentage of the OTNBMs do not socialise... till the moment they sit in front of the PC and... yes, you know.

*'Radka The Pirate'is a BPFS (Bulgarian Pop-Folk Song). It tells about a girl named Radka who is a pirate. She goes in front of a group of people (and a microphone as well) and shouts 'Op-sa! Op-sa!'. The song also tells that Radka has 'c.nt blond' and that if the lyrical speak cathes her, he will tear her jeans.
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